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if · i · had · the · words, · they · would · go · here
i never promised you a ray of light
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I completely jumped on the bandwagon. It's remarkably simple and thus far my work computer has not "websense"-d it, thus making it vastly easier than sneaking into the computer lab on 15 minute breaks (like right now) http://barefootandbreathing.tumblr.com probably will not be updating on here very often, but I will still be reading. muah!
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It always astounds me as to the different dynamics of people's families. Mine is bat-shit crazy, but that's because we are so insanely in love with eachother that we want to be in eachother's lives every part of every day. And we are mean, and loud, and judgemental, (just plain mental really). But we're completely and totally the people eachother call 5 times a week to make sure we're staying in everyones lives. I don't know what I'm really trying to get at here but yesterday Josh told me that he had never crawled into bed with his Mom when he had nightmares growing up. He had never "slept in the middle." And that just made me very sad. I can't imagine not waking up from a nightmare, tiptoeing to my parents room, crawling in between and having my Mom or Dad stroke my hair while I told them about my dream. I was asleep before I even got to the scary parts. I loved waking up Saturday and Sunday morning and crawling into bed with my parents, fighting with the other 3 for room and just giggling over cartoons while Mom and Dad drank coffee and read the paper. I remember being 6 and falling asleep holding hands with Denise protecting us from the monsters. And even when we were older Mark would drag his matress into the girls room to fall asleep watching movies (and then we would kick him out for snoring), and I would wake up with Mary in my bed because she was scared by "House on Haunted Hill." Am I crazy? How did you grow up? |
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On Friday I was making dinner for Josh... I've never made dinner for him before (he cooks so well) In the midst of turning the oregeno/garlic/rosemary chicken breast it slipped out of the tongs and fell into skillet... this resulted in A TIDAL WAVE OF BOILING OLIVE OIL which landed directly on my t-shirt, neck, and the underside of my chin. (pictures to come), where it hit the skin there are very superficial 2nd degree burns. speaking of superficial... I'm terrified that these burns will be permanent and scar as badly as when I caught the curling iron on my arm. 25 years old and I've just about gotten to the point of being comfortable with my appearance But I went out and bought 2 turtlenecks on saturday. More so I could see the doubletakes when I was buying them. And I actually heard a girl say to her friend "did you see her neck?!" My Grandma said I should thank God it didn't hit my face, and I do but.. I'm scarred
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which of course makes me wax poetic about love, something I can't claim to know much of anything, let alone everything, about
I miss falling in love for the 1st time, or thinking I had, with absolute wild abandon because I had no idea how much it could hurt. And I miss having the faith to do it over and over again.
And I miss the first time it really was love. The best relationships change you, make you stronger, and show you what you could be. And it's not always positive, because who you are, what you are capable of, is not always something you want to know about yourself. When it was love, it was 2 actual people, stripped down to their true selves, loving the flaws, doing away with the ideals, and loving anyway. And being loved is something to be so careful with, because it means you can hurt someone more than any other person can.
But I am in love. And he is sweet, and kind, and patient. He doesn't expect more than I can give, and he is no one but himself. And he loves me.
Ok and yes, we fight over covers and he likes firm mattresses and I like plush, and his video game obsession clashes with my reality tv fixation, and we're both immature and bad at handling money, and we live with our families and he drinks vitamin D milk and I don't like vegetables, and he loses his reading glasses and I leave my jewelry all over.
But we're making eachother better. We're making eachother whole.
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Here's a question for you. how do you know someone for 3 years, talk to/see them, maybe once or twice a year, and then spend a weekend with them and feel like you're going through serious withdrawal 2 days later? hmmm? and what the hell am I supposed to do with that I ask you? It's like I'm stuck in a bout of serious depression and anticipation. I haven't been this excited or jittery in years. It feels pretty damn good. |
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I just watched the first 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, because I can't sleep. Running trend I know. I never really liked Meredith Grey, and now I know why. We're so alike... it's... it's really sad.
I know they make characters that are easy to identify with, but really I had pegged myself as an Izzy, eternally optomistic and even childlike in wonder. But I'm not, I'm Meredith, damaged goods. Capable of the fall but not of actually letting go. I finally decided I wasn't falling asleep at 2, it's 3:45 now and I think I'm gonna get ready for work. 3 hours early is becoming a routine for me now, healthy? no. but profitable at least. If I'm just gonna be sitting up in front of the computer I might as well get paid to do so, right? |
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after a year of sitting pristine and untouched in it's box I have finally opened my IPOD nano. I've got 100 songs of what not and 1 supremely perfect playlist. I feel like this is the first time I can actually say that I CHOSE my music as opposed to having someone else, mainstream media or a friend, choose it for me. I don't know how it came about but I love it and it soothes me... thoughts? +44- Make you Smile
Jeff Buckley- Everybody here wants you
Jonny Lang- Red Light (this is my favorite, you can find it on my myspace)
Dashboard Confessional- this Ruined Puzzle
Badly Drawn Boy- the Shining
Phantom Plant- Always on my Mind
Postal Service- Such Great Heights
The Cure- Love Song
Dean Martin- You Belong to Me (I couldn't find the Jason Wade version)
Postal Service- Against all Odds (a beautiful cover)
Our Lady Peace- Somewhere Out There
Motley Crue- Home Sweet Home this has been a hard week for me. but we grow and we make decisions and we're left to pick up the pieces we have no one to blame for the shattering but ourselves This whole quitting smoking thing is not easy but working out today, for the 1st time in over a year, has made me congnizant of what it's doing to my body. things to look forward to: in 2 weeks I am taking my cousin Maddie horseback riding. She's 9 and she LOVES horses, I asked her at her sister's birthday party in June when she last went riding and she told me she had never been and I had the idea to take her then but it got pushed to the back of my mind. Between her sister Zayla's (age 6) bone marrow transplant 2 and a half months ago and her other sister Shelby (age 14) being the donor not to mention reigning dancing queen, Maddie has a tendency to feel forgotten and we're both so PUMPED for this date. It was supposed to be tomorrow but scheduling conflicts with Family birthday parties got in the way. Is it incredibly lame for me to be this excited? It's just knowing that I, ME, I am going to be the one that she remembers when she thinks of the first time she rode a horse. It's just so incredibly special to me. if anyone is interested, these 3 lovely ladies will be appearing in the Ronald McDonald House Fashion show on November 11, $65 a ticket but considering they gave Chris (their mom) a place to stay for the almost 180+ days Zay was in the hospital this year, it's well worth it. Oak Brook Terrace Hilton, 11am, November 11.
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Dear Nelly Furtado, I liked you so much better before you were promiscuous (and I'm sure I spelled that wrong) please get off my MTV until you become like a bird again. Thank you, Emily Darling Siblings,
I miss you all horribly, somebody call me back before I explode. And by somebody I mean you fat boy, c'mon we're the only 2 in illinois, it's the least you can do.
Love,
Emmy Dear Brothers Soloman,
please just cancel the release of your movie, just watching the previews makes me increasingly uncomfortable and you are going to get kazakstanian style backlash from the home schooled. and the movie looks really creepy.
appreciated,
Emily Dear Friends,
Reality tv is starting to become and uncontrollable addiction and I'm not talking Amazing Race or ANTM, I'm talking Rock of Love and Realworld Sydney, if you care for me at all PLEASE find a way to do an intervention. I hate it and I can't stop watching it, it's like 7th heaven all over again over many different time slots.
please.
Emily Dear Livejournal,
this lack of a computer is keeping us apart, and I'm sorry
Yours,
Emily |
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No not the TV show, sorry, just the way I'm feeling. Friday night on my way home from the Cubs game I called my parents to let them know I would see them on Saturday when my Dad told me he was at the Emergency Room with my Mom. She had called me earlier to let me know her head was bothering her and that she had been dizzy. Not uncommon with the Lupus, she said she would stay in bed and call me if she didn't feel any better. She didn't call me.
Last April my mom had a small stroke, the MRI revealed an anurism (sp) as well, add this to the seizures from the Lupus and it's just a well rounded case of trouble. I spent 7:30 til 3am @ Rush Presbytarian with my mom when they released her with a diagnoses of Perephrial Vertigo to add to everything else.
My Dad was diagnosed with Hepititus C, did I tell you that? When I got to the hospital I sent him home so he could get his medicine and his Chemo. I hate Chemo, I hate that he's sick. My dad is the kind of person who could have been hit by a car and shot in the side, lying in the middle of the street and still not admit that he needs help if it means interrupting someone else's life. I think he's figured he's done enough interrupting. It's scary and it's hard. I went from the hospital to my parents house to work, back to my parents house and back to work. That was my weekend. That will be my weekends whenever they need me. Which is more and more. They kept thanking me. I don't understand it. My mom told me that she was worried that I wouldn't be there for them as they grew older. That she can see now that I really do care. And that's really bothering me. They had that little faith in me. I had to prove it rather than them just knowing it. It hurts. I'm 23. Isn't that too young for your parents to need you this much? I will take care of them and I WILL be there for them, but I just feel so small sometimes. Next year (and for the next 4 years) with Denise and Mary in Philly and Mark in Monmouth... I don't know. It makes me feel stuck, I can't move very far, and it makes me feel very alone. And well... lost on top of all this one of my exes came out. talk about being thrown for a loop. |
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I bought the Last Kiss Soundtrack last week and I can't stop listening to it. Really I can't stop listening to this song. It's not commentary as to anyone or any relationships but I just... I love it, and I relate to it, and it makes my heart feel good to have it playing in the car on the way to work and in my head all day long.
"Paper Bag"
-Fiona Apple
I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
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they went with Sarah's Maiden Name
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Oscar (Middle Name TBD) Roa
Born: 12 midnight March 25, 2007, 9 lbs even, 19 inches tall
Sarah had him via c-section after a 14 hour labor. Mom and Baby are doing great. He looks just like his dad, despite being half irish, tan skin and tons of dark hair. And the most beautiful voice ever to be heard. Pictures coming tomorrow
It's magic, I know it is. I've never cried and laughed so much in my life. I feel... just so incredibly happy.
Sarah is a Mom. Amazing.
(The middle name is tbd because it was supposed to be Patrick but then I told Sarah Sarah heard somewhere that Denise and I were going to call him Opie... but you never know, David, Joseph, Jose, and Emigidio are still in the running, maybe it'll be Opie after all.) |
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I'm in love with Red Jumpsuit Apparatus... and Gym Class Heroes... and Q101 in general... And the southside Irish parade... And Kat and Jodi and Cheryl... And my family... and text messaging.... and Alexis Oddson... and Chinatown... and my Prada purse... and Betsey Johnson... and Sex and the City... and tiny wines... and Mean Girls... and sleeping 4 to a room... thought you ought to know. |
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01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." 02. I respond by asking you five questions. 03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions. 04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. 05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. |
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So do you remember how I told you about the rumors that were spread shortly after I got my promotion? The guy who spread them was promoted on Wednesday, to be effective Monday. Yesterday 2 other girls came forward w/ sexual harrassment claims, and I'm going to reiterate mine today. Every girl on the floor that was questioned yesterday said the same thing about being uncomfortable around him, and how he is a constant invader of personal space and how his casual touches just make you want to wash your shoulder or arm. I just feel bad I didn't make a bigger deal of this earlier. But then again so does everyone else. |
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I think when your little you assume that your life will be easy. No matter how much pain you go through, you always assume that it's going to get easier and that you will have the fairy tale. And maybe that's true. Maybe everything will work out happily in the end. And I hope it does. I just wish the end would come a little sooner. That sounded wrong, I mean, I hope the happy and the easy will come a little sooner. I sit here, self-reflection in full swing, and then I think how selfish I am being. Yes, Emily, your middle-class suburban life style has been incredibly difficult compared to 90% of the world. I should definately be discontent.
I feel restless that's all. I want something big and new and untarnished to happen. I want something to start. I feel like I'm in a rut and I'm going to stay in it unless something happens. Soon.
I'd really like to get out of debt and get my credit score up, that would be nice. I realized that when my parents were my age they were married and having babies and knew what was happening in their lives. And they might have been terribly uncertain and afraid, but at least they were going. Moving, evolving.
Audrey let me borrow her heating pad today and it is about one of the most amazing inventions ever.
My friends make me happy. My co-workers, they make me happy too. I wish they could all meet and mesh and become one group, that would be very satisfying to have the people I care about the most (family not included) connect with the people I see the most, and also like a whole lot. I know. Keep personal and professional lives seperate. It's incredibly difficult for me because I do want to be apart from work in that I don't want them to know the crazy college Emily (it's the reason I don't get drunk w/ my co-workers) but I would like them to see the fun, laughing side.
I don't know if this makes sense. I want to see my friends all the time, it would help if they were a part of this world. |
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